Don’t you just cringe reading inspirational quotes such as: 

‘When you have confidence you can do anything’. 

Or 

‘The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence’.

or

“Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, pretend that you do and at some point, you will.” 

Like myself, you probably would have read quotes or similar quotes like this in hopes of being inspired and somewhat discover newfound confidence from reading it. 

But what if you don’t…or what if it only lasts a day, month or a minute? Today I’m going to share with you my journey of overcoming confidence and finding faith.

My path in sport and dance began at an early age. The athleticism and creativity I found within dance became second nature to me. Although I had a natural gift when it came to sport and dance, confidence crippled me. I remember vividly at the age of three standing beside the ballet bar in my plum leotard, tap shoes and white frilly socks, marking through a tap exercise. An exercise we performed ritually every week whilst my dance teacher eagerly watched us all, as if it was the first time we had performed it. She would say ‘Lovely Hannah, but what’s on the floor, can you look up at me?’ 

 I would then quickly look up at her big blue eyes and blonde hair, relieved to see a kind and caring face looking back. But sooner or later I was back looking at the floor.

As time progressed, dance and sport became my safe space. Academically I was far from the strongest but outside the classroom I shined. I was captain of the netball team, football team and represented my primary and secondary school consistently in the borough-wide athletics competition. All whilst attending dance classes every evening after school. 

However, I felt like I was living a double life. Everyone knew me as Hannah the sportswoman but no one knew that I had a graceful side. 

 

Challenging Confidence

Challenge 1: 

In my last year of school as I was preparing to move on to the next stage of education I had to ask myself the big question ‘What do I want to be when I grow up?’ now saying out loud ‘I want to be a dancer’ sounded a bit far-fetched.

I was fortunate enough to live in the same borough as the well-renowned performing arts school, The Brit School. So I decided to set myself a challenge, I would audition for The Brit school if I performed a solo at the end of the year school show.  Challenge accepted!

I spent weeks preparing my routine and the day finally came. I took centre stage, held my starting position and went for it! When I finished I felt a sense of freedom and liberation, triumphant! I couldn’t believe I did it, my 3yr old self was dancing joy inside. I needed to have the moment on stage again and experience that feeling, performing to thousands of people showing them that ‘I am Confident’. 

Confidence: The feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.

I successfully gained a place at The Brit School, this is where the training and work really began, six classes a day, two shows a year and monthly exams. I knew this is where I was meant to be, however the feeling of confidence felt like a dark cloud hanging over my head creeping in unwantedly. But I was focused and worked my socks off proving my place, I remember in one of my parent’s evenings my tutor said to my mum 

‘Hannah is doing well and she is focused, but she seems very…. serious’. 

It’s funny you would think being around like-minded, extroverted young performers hungry to take the stage and hallways walked by the likes of Adele, Leona Lewis and Amy Winehouse. That this would be the moment self-confidence would flourish. 

 

Challenge 2: 

The moment came again, in my final year at The Brit School the teachers spoke to us about further training and the option of attending vocational college or university. There are only a few vocational universities in England, but there was one in particular that a teacher recommended I should audition for called ‘The Liverpool Institute for performing arts’ (LIPA). It was a specialist performing arts institute based in Liverpool founded by Sir Paul McCartney, accepting only 30 students per year. Challenge accepted!

 I travelled up to Liverpool the night before ready for my audition in the morning. The university sat at the top of Mount Street, standing out just like a performing arts school should! I spent the whole day auditioning from 9 am-5 pm starting off the day with Ballet, then onto contemporary, Jazz and lastly Street dance. 

Each round they made a cut calling out the numbers they wanted to stay and the ones not called there time had come to an end.  As a dancer all your years of training comes down to one number and one chance, little did I know this was a life I would be living?

I made it through the first day, I travelled back to London and I had to wait to receive a letter finding out if I made it through to the recall audition. Once again I knew this university was for me, I had come to realise although I was battling with confidence, I had faith not in dance, not in people but in my God. A week or so later I received a letter saying I had made it through to the recall audition. 

I was elated and nervous but ready to do it all over again, this time after the dance auditions I had to sing and attend an interview. When the challenge increased, my faith increased. It was no longer about finding confidence; Faith gave me confidence.

Finding Faith

Faith: ‘Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see’ – Hebrews 11:1

 

Challenge 3:

After weeks of waiting, I received the news that I hadn’t been accepted onto the course but I was placed on the reserved list. I still believed that LIPA was the place for me; I remained faithful, hoping that I would receive a place. Challenge accepted!

That summer I began thinking of other ways to dance and earn money. Due to my brother’s sporting experience and my dance experience we decided to set-up a small business delivering sport and dance classes. But on September 10th 2010 after a long day of teaching, whilst on my lunch break my phone rang…I had been offered a place on the dance course and I had three days to pack and move up to Liverpool. 

The training was intense and expectations were high, with now only 25 students on the course and being the only black female, LIPA was certainly one of the biggest breakthroughs in crushing confidence and finding faith. 

I eventually completed my three years of training at LIPA, graduating with an agent and returned back to London to pursue a dance career.  I was attending 6 auditions a week, working two jobs and building a start-up business. Later that year I was dropped from the agency, there were days I felt unable to muster up the courage and attend yet audition only to experience more rejection, but by faith and the support of my parents, I kept going.

December 2014 was my last audition of the year, I was hesitant to go because it didn’t seem like my ‘dream job’, but without an agent, auditions were hard to come by. Nonetheless, I was offered the contract; and I ended touring on a Michael Jackson show across the UK, Scotland, Wales, Europe, and Hong Kong, India and at The London Palladium on the West End stage. Dreams do come true.

The mountain at times felt too big for me to climb and I often felt like giving up. Out of suffering can come great reward. Yes, I achieved my dream of becoming a dancer but I gained more than that, character, resilience, establishing a business with my brother and impacting people’s lives but most importantly faith; qualities that far outweigh confidence.

Warmest wishes,

Hannah-Ruth, Director of Sayaw